A Bleak Comedy

I am amazed at how much less time I spend on the internet since I deleted facebook. I’m also amazed at how much less time I spend regretting the loss of certain people, no matter how horrible they are. 

dancingswallow: and shake things up right now. I want to be challenged. I want to feel stimulated and driven by a peer. I mean, ideally this is also a romantic relationship, but yea. That’s what I really want. A good old-fashioned shake-up. My personal life is just so boring. Good and old fashioned thing are utterly under-rated. 

Interviewing actors and actresses should be outlawed. It totally ruins the movie magic.

I can’t even watch dang westerns anymore without crying. I wish I could go back 4 years and just stay there.

Watching or reading Jane Austen always puts me in a desperate sort of mood. I am very capable of being single, I have been all of my life. For the most part, I’m content with it because I see all the shit other couples do to each other I want no part in that.  Then I experience men beyond expectation even for a cynic like me. I let myself be carried away with not only their words, but the actions they carry out for the ones they love. The selfless deeds they never speak of, not wanting thanks but merely doing them because they love a woman.  Sense and Sensibility will always be my favorite story, but I can relate to Pride and Prejudice the most because of Elizabeth. Her sarcastic humor, need for independence, as well as a lack of offending men reminds me of myself. She sees no need to be anything but for herself in front of Mr. Darcy, even though he is considered above her station. Unfortunately this personality of mine has not won a Mr. Darcy but most often Mr. Wickhams. I suppose I could try to be more like Jane (in truth, I yearn to become a woman like Eleanor) but I can’t seem to curb my independence. I will never be a needy girl, I will never rely on a man, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. The only time I would allow myself to rely on someone is when and if I fall in love. And when I say love I do not mean this stupid, meaningless feeling people so often feel. When I fall in love it will never be broken, it will be a bond to a person and I will never want to be away from him. Only then will I rely on a man. As Lizzie says though, all men are “humorless poppycocks, in my limited experience.”    

Roads are more then really long, asphalt lines that curve and are occasionally blocked with other four-plus wheeled machines. I guess roads are really just a substance of journey’s that create a way for us to travel away, towards or just around in a circle. I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore and I’m tired of figuring it out. All I know is that I’m really tired of being stuck in traffic. I am totally ready to move forward and not be afraid of the next morning. I don’t even know where my life is going now. I never thought I would be in this place. Where I have to be watched and cared for. But at the same time I still don’t feel protected or cared for. I still want what everyone knows they are missing.  I’m also really tired of being forced into social settings. I feel like I don’t know how to act around people anymore. And I have this pathetic fear that they are all going to look at me and know what’s going on. 

I know I need to go back to Nashville for my own protection… But right now I have my door opened and I’m listening to my neighbor play his ukulele. I’m really going to miss this place. I sound like I’m leaving Chattanooga forever, but by golly I will be back  

Last night I had a dream that I exploded and told several people what I really thought of them. The only one I really remember is telling a guy that he could find a girl friend if he would remove his head from his ass.  In other news, I just might fail this whole semester. Screw me, medicine, and doctors who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.